Day 33: Still longing

This, from one of my fave shows:

R: You're right. I do care. I want stupid koala corsages, and  prom. I want to have kids with someone who loves me, enough to stand outside the window with a stupid boombox...I want to be human

-- Oh, Rebekah. I feel you.

Day 22: Longing

I know, I promised to write everyday. But I ask pardon (to myself) for not being able to do that.
But anyway, let me just write.
Write, whenever I can. Write, whenever something moves, or touches my heart...

I walk an all-familiar path. No it wasn't the previous one. It's towards a different direction now.
But the path is just like the other. It's not laden with roses, and green grass, and shading trees., but one with bumps, and cracks, and humps.

But I know I can get through this.
Because I know it will take me...well, not to a park, but to a destination that I dreamt to be in.

So, I remind myself that there are better things to do than to worry, better things to do than to be depressed.
I just need to have the same amount of courage, and of course...patience.

So I tread the path. I just keep walking.

Day 8-10: Be Still

"When the oceans rise and thunders roar,
I will soar with you above the storm.
Father, you are King over the floods.
I will be still and know that you are God."  -- Still, Hillsong

Three days of non-stop rains, bringing flood to many parts of the metro.
During these times, I tried my very best to report to work.
Being in the media, I know that it is during these times that I am needed in the workplace.
It is fulfilling that I was able to do my part and do what is asked of me.

But then, there are a lot of things to be done as well, out of it.

The floods affected the lives of many people, and so, those who have the capacity to help others should do so. These times, I look forward to being of help.

Day 7: True Shame vs. False Shame

During the last "The Feast" session, Brother Bo Sanchez explained the difference between true and false shame.

First of all, we define shame. It is that feeling of guilt, embarassment when we have done something that is not good.

But when does it become true?

Brother Bo says we experience true shame when we sin. When we have done something offensive, hurtful against the Lord.

Other than that, we experience false shame.

Day 6: "You earn your stripes"

This is a statement my boss usually tells us. It means, before you brag about or be proud of something, make sure you have worked hard -- blood, sweat, and tears for it.

There are people who walk around the earth thinking they are the best, smartest person ever lived. When in fact, there are things which he/she are lacking. Huwag tutularan.

There are times when I felt unsure of things I'm doing -- am I doing it right? Am I making good decision? Am I good enough. When these happen, I get disappointed. But I try not to let that disappointment get the best of me. I take it as part of a learning process.

When you "try to earn your stripes" -- you get lost, you stumble, you make mistakes. But you don't stop. You go on, and try to do things right. Because later on, you will realize that the bruises you gained when you stumble, the discovery you get when you don't know your way out, the many times you correct yourself -- will be your armor that will take you to the right path. 

By that, you become more confident to face life, you become more strong, and ready to face people -- people who may question you, people who may try to look for your flaws just to put you down.

Day 5: The heart has so much room for love

Before, I would really stiffen or get snobbish whenever that person is around. Maybe because, I was trying really hard to keep it to myself, and have things done my own way.

Before, my heart was clouded with bitterness, or surrounded by this wall that distances myself from potential persons who would like to explore it.

But I guess, when it hit you, it really does. And no matter what anxiety or fears you have, you just have to admit that you are loving, or at the very least being attracted to someone.

One of the nicest things that happened to me, recently was going back to the catholic community  / group I am part of. You see, I was out of touch for a while -- missing some mission projects or "households" with my sisters. Now, I'm becoming more active again -- participating in worship services, and listening to motivational talks.

During one of The Feast's sessions I have attended, Bro Bo said: 

"Disappointments will always come your way when you expect or seek love from others. With God, that will never happen."

It's a statement that helped me calm this anxious heart. It's always good to admire, to care, and to express love for others. But you cannot expect them to reciprocate it. When you do expect them to love you in return, it will just hurt you. So, instead of focusing on that, why not just love as you love the Lord? It's better that way. "Loving others as a reflection of your love for Him." In this way, things become more at peace, and it gives you more right, more freedom to express your love.

A friend recently revealed a special relationship with another friend. It was something that awed me. In a way, I was kind of expecting that from them, I just didn't want to appear snoopy or something. But anyway, it was a remarkable thing. I admire people who are able to express their love, to the point of not thinking about any differences or any inhibitions. So, to them...you know who you are, always remember to center your relationship on Him :)

As for me, I really yet to know. All I know is that I am admiring somebody. Though I don't have any idea where this will lead me, I am happy. Happy because I know the Lord is giving me opportunities for simple encounters, for simple glances, and for the mere presence :)

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Day 4: It was just another day

It's another extension of days 2 and 3.

Each day, you try to be better. Translating that in the workplace...you try to work with less mistakes, you try to be more accurate.

In life, you try to be the best person you can be. Someone with values, someone who's more loving, grounded. Someone who's not easily swayed or frightened.

I panicked today when a colleague aggressively pitched a sports story. When that person learned that we won't be airing the story, that person got really defensive and told that ** was only pitching a story and was simply trying to help out. That person went on to say "I tried my best"

That made me feel guilty at first. I felt as if I am letting something slip away from me.

The realization came later on that I could have given that person a piece of my mind.

But anyway, I know experience will teach me to be brave.

Thought to ponder:

Unremarkable days such as this remind me of life's normalcy. It's something that can keep one steady amid a fast-paced, cut-throat lifestyle.

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Day 2 and 3: We grow tired and disappointed

Negativities come. But we don't let it get in the way of being at peace with ourselves.

Day 2 was efficient, but tiring. Call it the post-FIBA Asia/Kobe visit exhaustion. At the end of the day, I was pretty dead beat that I finally gave in to early sleep.

Day 3, well, it could have been better. I was distracted, and there were mistakes to straighten out. Add to that, there are some learning that I really need to remember (or else, suffer THE wrath!). But then, it was just another day. And there are still 362 days left before this project ends.

Thought to Ponder:

Tomorrow is another day. Give it a chance.

Day 1: We begin to be grateful

Week two of The Feast series today with Jera and Nina. We promised to do this, weekly. What's nice is we met two new "girlfriends"  -- Carla and Regine. Two wacky and spontaneous young girls with a serious love for taking pictures. "Selfie", if you would want to put it in today's lingo. Jhing surprised me today for coming to the Feast. And she thought I wouldn't notice her hiding behind Jera's back! Hahaha! (You failed on this one! :) Anyway, I guess she's the master mind of a surprise treat, right after lunch at Mang Inasal.

Haha! That's the reason why she left for a good couple of minutes, pala.

She bought this! :)

along with a note.

Thank you, girls for starting the day with me :)

Back At home, my sister bought this one!

I am blessed to be surrounded by loving, caring, sweet people :)

I am a happy 28-year-old. Oh and yeah, Avril Lavigne;s my idol now, As her song goes: "Here's to never growing old" :)

Today's other highlight is the final match between Gilas Pilipinas and Iran for the FIBA Asia Championship title.

Surprisingly, I have developed a love for sports. It's something I have never imagined getting hooked to. But thanks for the opportunity to write, and to the people who continuously teach me about the goings-on with different sport, I have come to really appreciate it!

I am grateful to some people in my life who helped me appreciate it. For those who gave me the opportunity to write for it, and to work for it. :) I am enjoying it!

I am learning a lot of things -- not just about different sport, but also the culture, the attitude, the motivation it brings.  You'll get a lot of take-home learning with it, things you can apply to real, everyday life.

In another note, Gilas Pilipinas is going to the FIBA World Cup next year. Good luck to the team. You are such an inspiration to us all! :)

And one of the things I have realized?  The wins, the plays, pinoy crowd cheering for the team -- it's all such a wonderful thing to witness. Just goes to show how basketball unifies us all. :)

Well, more on that in another post :) (**wink!)

Take home thought:

• In today's the Feast, Brother Bo Sanchez mentioned this: "You have to be one with yourself. You've got to have a strong center"  

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And so it begins...

August 11 marks the first day of my 28th year. And just to keep tab on what's happening to me -- sort of a timeline or journal...or something that will inspire me to live fully and happily, I decided to keep a 365-day write-up.

I pegged it from Ala Paredes' who also made a 365-day thing through her paintings. Pardon the non -originality though. But credits to her for sparking the idea. :)

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Post-MMC thoughts.

I feel uneasy tonight. Not because I feel sad or depressed. But because I know that I have to do something. I have to start somewhere.

I know this will jumpstart the LOVE process.

First, to love God. By this, I know I'll learn to love people around me, and learn to love life more.

But I don't want it to be anymore drastic. Doing so might trigger an early burnout.

Again. Fear.

I guess, I just got an idea where to start. :)

Just got home from an SFC conference in Subic (Metro Manila Conference 2013).  The theme this year is "Beloved (1 John 4:18).

The quote I earlier posted was one of those that struck me during the event.

Signs of Good Things to Come

"Receiving roses from someone is a sign of good things to happen" My boss told our group after an interview with a good nature lady.

The lady just handed out to each of us a bunch of roses.

"Roses are one of St. Therese of Lisieux's symbolisms." My boss went on telling.

Later in the day, as we were in transit to another location, we saw a rainbow arch.

It definitely were signs of good things to come.

Today, while flipping channels I chanced upon the ending of the flick "500 Days of Summer". A particular conversation struck me:

Girl at Interview: Have I seen you before?

Tom: Me? I don't think so.

Girl at Interview: Do you ever go to Angela's Plaza?

Tom: Yes... That's like my favorite spot in the city.

Girl at Interview: Yeah, except for the parking lots.

Tom: Yeah, yeah I agree.

Girl at Interview: Yeah, yeah I think I've seen you there.

Tom: Really?

Girl at Interview: Yeah...

Tom: I haven't seen you?

Girl at Interview: You must not have been looking...

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The Universe is telling me something

Stand Your Ground

A former officemate in a call center company I used to work for gave me a piece of advice: "stand your ground."
I can still vividly remember that day.
It happened on a usual day in the office when we were taking calls, and I asked him to help me out (we call it a sup. -- short for supervisory call). I was already feeling helpless with it. I was running out of words, worthy reasons to persuade the person at the other end of the line. Add to the fact that it was an "irate" call.
He told me those words, casually, while picking up the phone to answer it.

That was a simple advice. But it was something that still sticks to my mind to this day -- a major career shift, and three job transfers later.

You see, I'm not really a "pushy" assertive person. I admit, I'm weak, meek, and yes, passive.
Although I have tried and tried may times to toughen up...I'm just not really made of that material.

I am not conceding, though. I know I need to learn. I have to. No buts, no ifs.
Because I don't want to become a big mess, and end up like (or continue being) a walking disaster.
In tagalog, let me say: "ayokong magpalamon ng buhay."###

What Grandma Taught Me

My last conversation with grandma happened over a year ago.
It was my sister's college graduation, then.
Over the phone, after congratulating her, she talked to me...asked me about how I was.
When she asked me about it, I was already sensing where the conversation was heading at. It ends up to her -- asking me about when I was going to finally have a boyfriend, or be in a relationship, for that matter!
Mind you, though, that wasn't the first of our conversations about it. When that happens, I always laugh and give her a ready answer: "Grandma, nage-enjoy pa ako e!"

Months later, angels took grandma from us. And every time I think about her, I would also remember some of our conversations.

Let me admit that I'm at that stage in life where I can say that my grandma was right in saying:
it is important for anyone to have that someone in his or her life to take care of, or for someone to take care of you.
Enjoying life does not only mean living to build your own career or developing your own character, ON YOUR OWN.

Thinking about it now, grandma us probably watching me from heaven...shaking her head and saying, "I told you so!"

And what have I realized?
It is true, one does not live by his or her own strength and independence.
Building relationships are equally important.
To be holistic, and to truly understand people around you, one has to love -- and that means going through all the joys and pains of it.

The Box

It took me two years to finally finish this poem.

This is the nearest piece (almost decent) I made
about love.

Now there’s this box

We dare not open.

One night we filled it up with treasures

That both satisfied our fancies

You asked me if kisses

Can cap the night off.

You went on and on with this question

While I answered you with gulps and gulps

Of beer.

I ended up with a surrender.

And we indeed parted --

With you getting what you want

And me with memories

Of your gentleness,

Your warmth,

Your scent.

But questions filled my head

The next day…the coming months

No answer but a certain casualness

That smelled of guilt.

But amid all these

Is an unopened box

Wanting to be revealed.

And until then, we will know

If treasures have transformed

To fearful monsters.

-- Niña Elyca  Rabadam

April 2013